Wednesday, December 20, 2023
Some of you find yourself with someone who won't do the work or meet you halfway, especially when it gets challenging. What is going on here?
Well, something important you need to remember about human behavior is that to get what we want, we will have to experience discomfort. Discomfort is what builds new muscle, fires new neuro pathways, and grows humans. And, for whatever reason, your person doesn't like pain. It's that simple.
Let me explain…
Ever heard the term growing pains? My daughter is experiencing this right now. She has discomfort (pain) in some of her joints because she is growing. It hurts to grow sometimes.
Last year I started going to the gym for the first time in my life at 50. It's so uncomfortable. I want to do only one more set sometimes. But I'm getting stronger and fitter when I push through the discomfort and resistance.
To have the marriage I currently have, I've shed countless tears, raged, grieved, and felt feelings I never knew were possible. To this day, I face discomfort in my marriage, especially during conflict. In other words, I've been uncomfortable.
And when you choose someone who doesn't like this process. You chose someone ignorant about how good secure relationships work. They think you can get a good relationship by picking the "right" person and doing nothing to make the relationship great. They believe you can have good health with no exercise and no effort.
If they perceive that getting the relationship they want requires growth and that the growth path will involve discomfort and pain, they won't do it. They resist change and don't want to face themselves.
If they stay in a relationship long enough with you, much to their chagrin, they will hit discomfort. They cannot avoid it. But what's different about them is when discomfort comes, they do one of three things:
Run- leave the relationship. Please know they are running from discomfort. NOT you. It ain't personal, even though they think it is. Don't bite on that bullshit.
"Check out" - Because they fear being alone, they stay, but they remain complacent, checked out. They do the bare minimum to keep you from leaving them.
Sabotage- They unconsciously throw grenades at the relationship's potential because they don't believe they can have what they truly want. They make it seem like the relationship won't work because it's so hard, but they don't see they are making it hard, so they undermine the relationship's success by throwing wrenches in it left and right with their resistance and fear of growing pains.
Choose partners willing and able to grow, adapt, and change. Steer clear of partners who want comfort, ease, and a conflict-free relationship. Become a beast at working with discomfort. And, if you've already chosen, get good at becoming the person you want to be.
Your partner will come along for the ride, or you will stop tolerating people who can't meet you on the growth path of a relationship.
Embrace discomfort this year.
Because getting from where you are to where you want to go, the discomfort is guaranteed.
Founder of the Relationship School
I am an artist, best selling author, podcaster, speaker, coach, CEO, founder, human behavior specialist and relationship expert. I am the creator of Interpersonal Intelligence® and Present Centered Relationship Coaching® and have trained over hundreds of coaches in 11 countries. My book Getting to Zero: How to work Through Conflict In Your High Stakes Relationships was #2 on the Wall Street Journal best seller list and was voted Editors Choice, Best non-fiction, and Best Leadership and Business book in 2021 on Amazon. I’ve been married to my amazing wife since 2007 and have two beautiful kids. We live in Boulder, Colorado. When I don’t live and breathe this relationship stuff with my family, I pretty much get my ass handed to me.
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